The Addiction of People-Pleasing (Part 2 of The Boundaries Series)

By Sarah Steele

“The Addiction of People-Pleasing” is Part 2 of Sarah Steele’s three-part series on BOUNDARIES.

(You can read Part 1 here: Breakdowns, Boundaries, and a Better Interpretation — THE WAY BACK TO OURSELVES (thewayback2ourselves.com) Part 3 is coming soon.)

I have been an addict since I was a child.

No, I wasn’t addicted to any substances. I was addicted to people’s praise. I couldn’t recognize it as addiction, however—none of us can when we’re under the influence—until I learned the term codependency in counseling just under a decade ago.

Until then, I sought people’s approval, sacrificed extravagantly, gave beyond my limits, and breathed in their thanksgiving.

the helper’s high

inhale the air of needs

exhale nervous energy

inhale others’ pain

exhale mounting anticipation

inhale a plan to help

exhale the assistance

inhale their gratitude

exhale...and look for more

But I began to encounter those who received my service as something expected—those who did not complete the cycle with gratitude. This was painful and confusing. So, I upped my service game, ignored my limits, shamed myself into doing more, more, more—and then slowly found my heart coming to rest on unstable ground.

I became consumed with others’ perceptions of me and jumped with forceful anxiety at every opportunity to make someone pleased.

obsessed

my eyes follow you around the room,

trying to determine if you are pleased,

if i can rest.

i jump at your needs

as much for my own comfort

as for yours.

my eyes glance at my phone,

trying to discern if you are disappointed,

if i am enough.

i offer proactively before you demand

as much for my own relief

as for yours.

This language of addiction within service is uncomfortable. But it is so often true.

The body waves big red flags to the mind to help it recognize its trouble—the red flag “lack of peace” because I’m concerned about someone’s thoughts about me, the red flag “trying to control my discomfort” by doing something for someone, the red flag “jittery heart” that can’t be at rest, the red flag of “off balance” in my family life…

These are the BIG red flags that my body waved to my mind, begging it to find its source of peace elsewhere, outside of the ever-changing approval of people. But I did not listen.

if an addict

needs his drugs and his source / and can only think of her next hit / or if his supply is running low / if she is irritated with those she claims to love / if he will do anything—even inappropriate things—to be happy / if she attracts a particular kind of person / and he needs support to change / then i think you understand a little / of what it is to be / emotionally dependent

The addiction of a people-pleaser is a painful truth to confront in your own life—especially in the life of a Christian who is trying to show the love of Christ to his neighbor. If any of this is resonating with you, you might actually feel upset and frustrated. If you don’t serve, then who will? I know I was upset when my counselor introduced this idea to me.

But there is hope. There is a way to live with your eyes on Christ and not on people.

I had to acknowledge that my service was actually about ME. It took repentance of pride and self-sufficiency; it took the acceptance of my God-given limitations; and it led me to a deep freedom that now allows me to say “yes” to the Lord above all else—even people-pleasing.

obligations

compulsive service

feigns a heart posture of love

whose true root is pride

I thought that my acts of service were what God had commanded me to do. And the tricky part is that he has. But God is always more interested in the heart, as we read in 1 Samuel 16:7 (NET):

“But the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Don't be impressed by his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. God does not view things the way men do. People look on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’"

People do look on the outward appearance, and by all appearances, mine was shiny and effective. Yours might be too.

But how is your inner life?

Do you have space to breathe and rest?

Do you have time with the Lord alone?

Are your thoughts more about others’ approval than God’s?

Are you free to say “no“ as needed?

Is the pride of self-sufficiency blocking you from a fulfilling relationship with Christ and with his Church?

Search your heart and motives; ask God to reveal where pride is motivating your service and where you are consumed with another’s praise.

Learn to push your gaze up—instead of out.

Watch as your addiction to pleasing people leaves you with no satisfaction. And bask in the freedom you find in wholeheartedly serving Christ alone.

Those Great (Awful) Expectations

The thing I’m fearing most today

Is not meeting others’ expectations.

I’m afraid no matter what I do and say,

I’m causing someone great frustration.

I tried to learn to think of it all—

Every future possibility—

Plan accordingly each protocol,

Feign an excessive heart of humility.

But something I’m learning in all of my planning

Is that when I spend so much prep time obsessing,

I’m actually purposefully sitting there fanning

The pride in my heart and my self-centered guessing.

So I’m trying to learn to state what I’m willing

And able to do on my end of the deal,

And I’m hoping I’ll find it much more fulfilling

Than constantly dreading how others will feel.

OTHER THOUGHTS ON BOUNDARIES:

“I assumed that people weren't doing their best so I judged them and constantly fought being disappointed, which was easier than setting boundaries. Boundaries are hard when you want to be liked and when you are a pleaser hellbent on being easy, fun, and flexible.”

― BRENE BROWN

“People who own their lives do not feel guilty when they make choices about where they are going. They take other people into consideration, but when they make choices for the wishes of others, they are choosing out of love, not guilt; to advance a good, not to avoid a bad.”

― HENRY CLOUD