Unmet Expectations: When the Happy Life We Imagined Just Doesn’t Happen
by Hadassah Treu
Unmet Expectations: When the Happy Life We Imagined Just Doesn’t Happen
by Hadassah Treu
Expectations. Do you know that our life is built on them? Think about this for a minute.
The moment our feet hit the floor each morning, we enter the realm of expectations. We expect our morning routine to go as usual without interruptions and surprises; we expect our bodies to function as they should; we expect the sun to rise and the kids to behave.
We go through the day, expecting to manage our daily tasks and perhaps the day to run smoothly. We expect people to do what they say and keep their promises, at least most of the time. We expect our partners to love us and give us their attention and affection; we expect our friends to be there for us when we need them.
We expect to have a job (well-paid if possible), to own a house, to go on vacation, and to have fun. When we put our heads on the pillow, we expect to have a good night's sleep and to wake up refreshed.
We expect God to act in the way we have asked Him, preferably now, and not after months or years. We expect Him to give us what we want and to spare us from pain, loss, and discomfort, don't we? We expect fair and just treatment from God, people, and life in general.
We expect. All the time.
It doesn't matter if we are conscious of our expectations or not.
Our expectations are a mix of assumptions and possibilities, but also a matter of confidence, hope, and trust. So, it is not a surprise that unmet expectations are and will be a major part of our lives.
Unmet personal expectations toward ourselves, others, relationships, and life circumstances are the primary source of disappointment, anxiety, anger, and depression.
How do we react when our expectations aren't met? And why does it hurt so much?
Part of the answer is that expectations are based on desires. Expectations directed to God, people, and relationships are related to our desire for them to treat and love us and to meet our needs in a certain way. So, the core messages of unmet expectations become "You are NOT treated the way you should be," "You are NOT respected," and "You are NOT loved."
But the truth is that our desires and expectations are always an expression of our basic attitudes, ideas, and beliefs. They show how we think about ourselves, life, relationships, marriage, friendship, happiness, God, etc.
Often, our personal expectations function as our own security, predictability, and control system. Therefore, when something does not develop according to what we expect, the system switches on an alarm. This throws us into a state of anxiety, confusion, and anger.
We lose the control we think we have when people and situations don't correspond to our preconceived ideas and expectations. But we have control only over ourselves and our inner life (thoughts, feelings, decisions). This is the most important type of control because it determines how we experience reality.
However, when a major expectation isn't met, we face multiple painful losses like our idea of happiness, our plans, our hopes, the fulfillment of dreams and wishes, and the feeling of joy, and satisfaction.
Unmet Expectations and Our Concept of Happiness
Perhaps the most cardinal loss is the loss of our idea of happiness. We focus our expectations mainly on awaiting something good to happen or things to go our way—the way we consider best. We want this good to happen because it contributes to our happiness and satisfaction.
And who doesn't want to be happy?
The unmet expectations based on good and even godly desires blow up our carefully constructed concept of how our lives should look so we can be happy.
My idea of happiness was torn into pieces when my expectations to have a normal family and become a mother didn't come to fruition after years of trying—and despite strong beliefs, passionate prayers, and faith in God.
The shattering of the big pink balloon of how I imagined my life would look like actually was a chain of unmet expectations—big and small. This was my script:
- Marry the love of my life: Check!
- Have a wonderful and passionate marriage: No check!
- He wants children: No check!
- My husband always understands me and is there for me: No check!
- The moment we decide to have children, it will happen: No check!
- The doctors will help us have children: No check!
- God will give us a child: No check!
What I imagined as a happy life just didn't happen. The building blocks of expectations and desires toward my body, my marriage, my husband, and God didn't fit into place to build the palace I imagined.
This all caused intense pain and anguish that pushed me into a generalized anxiety disorder, health problems, and depression.
Yes, the losses were real, and it seemed they caused a lot of damage to my heart and body.
So why does God allow us to deal with so many unmet expectations? What are the gifts He wants to give us through this painful experience?
Unmet Expectations: Building Blocks of a Reconstructed Life
I am amazed by the way God used my unmet expectations of what a happy married life would look like to deconstruct my life and then rebuild it again into another shape.
He has shown me happiness, joy, and satisfaction are possible even when we don't get what we want, and things don't happen as we plan them.
I learned from experience that happiness is not in my hands; it is not mine to produce and control.
My unmet expectations of becoming a mother and having the family I wanted were like sharp surgery instruments peeling off the layers of my ego and self-focused life. They broke my soul into pieces, yes, but they also broke my preconceived scripts, ideas, and imaginations. They reached far down into my core identity and what I thought of myself and shattered this, too.
For a time, my life and heart looked like a construction site full of debris and dust. The past was no more, and what I wanted was not possible.
And then I slowly saw the work of the Master Builder and Restorer. Pieces of my heart and life were cleaned, molded, reshaped, and put together in a different order.
A new pattern emerged, rooted in an unshakable and eternal foundation.
I didn't have the life I wanted. But I received a new heart, and a new life in which I was at peace, humbled, and full of joy. It was no longer about me, my desires, my ideas, and my expectations.
The center of my life and happiness has shifted to the only One who is big enough to be the center and the sun in my universe.
If you want to find out more about the gifts hidden in unmet expectations and twelve more painful experiences, check out Hadassah’s book Draw Near: How Painful Experiences Become the Birthplace of Blessings. Her book aims to help readers not only identify and accept their losses but, more importantly, it shows them that each painful experience can be a birthing place of blessings.
*Blog post is adapted with permission from Hadassah Treu's book, Draw Near: How Painful Experiences Become the Birthplace of Blessings, published with Calla Press Publishing.
HADASSAH TREU
Hadassah Treu is an award-winning international author of "Draw Near: How Painful Experiences Become the Birthplace of Blessings," writer at OnTheWay Blog, poet, speaker, and motivator, living in Bulgaria. She loves encouraging people to draw near to God in the dark valleys of life. Hadassah is a contributing author to several faith-based platforms like Koinonia and Devotable, and over 12 devotional and poetry anthologies. She has been featured in The Upper Room, (In)Courage, Proverbs 31 Ministries, Today's Christian Living, Living by Design Ministries, and other popular sites and podcasts. Connect with Hadassah on her blog and Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, and YouTube.