Finding Your Worth Through Awakening

by Kimberly Kralovic

Finding Your Worth Through Awakening

I felt and heard the running theme throughout my life: I was worthless. Anxiety and hurt followed regardless of where I was or what I did.

In my earliest memories, anxiety looked like fearing for my life due to anaphylactic reactions and a crooked spine, to simply doing my homework and playing with friends. Sometimes, I questioned my existence and why God created me to fail.

My brain ran rampant, consumed with the unknown. Of course, the unknown quickly became the scariest place to be, especially throughout my formative years. The only thing I knew to do was to coast through my days. As a human shield, I sheltered myself from all emotions, including further pain.

At the time, I didn't place my worth in God's grace-filled hands because I thought he was watching over me, judging me, and making sure I didn't sin. So instead, I placed my worth in adults around me that knew better, peers, and anyone but myself.

Although I knew God, my relationship with Him was unhealthy, like most of my views and relationships.

The pattern continued after high school, college, and nearly every job I took as a young adult. Luckily, a few highs kept me sane as I gained newfound confidence. But the best part was the ability to ignore negativity. For the first time, I didn't care what others thought. "I finally found myself," or so I thought.

However, the hope for change didn't last long, and certain situations opened past and present wounds. It was as if I had been running away from my problems for years, but at a certain point, I could no longer ignore the depths of my hurt soul. And like wildfire, flames ignited before my eyes.

As I became confronted with my past due to verbal patterns and insecurities, I relived chapters I thought were closed. Not only was I dealing with old wounds, but new ones as well. So, I spiraled. Everyone was right. Perhaps, I was indeed unworthy.

A physical force took over at my breaking point, a heaviness that didn't want to leave my body. After attempts to go above and beyond to prove myself to others, I suffered extreme anxiety. Anxiety became not only my enemy but felt like my entire identity.

I knew I had to tackle my trauma head-on, discovering the roots which plagued me for so long. "Why am I so anxious?" I could no longer suppress my hunger for answers and, more importantly, change.

After a health scare and nearly losing everything, I no longer recognized myself. I was craving more, including a real relationship with Christ. So I began praying and pleading. But, most of all, I wanted to live with purpose and fulfillment. I couldn't go on, not like this.

Truthfully, I was barely surviving but knew there was more to my life. There had to be a purpose beyond the pain. From there, I knew I needed a therapeutic soul dump. So, I wrote down every trauma, triumph, and all my heart remembered. I gave it all to Him. Amid revival and healing, I recentered my life around Christ.

With time and patience, my soul renewed. I no longer held resentment and felt lighter with every breath. Additionally, my anger and quick temper eased. And I began doing what I had loved since I was seven years old, writing. My cup filled with delight with every next step. At last, I didn't "hate my life."

Learning to slow down in a fast-paced environment also became instrumental. Then came the ah-ha moment when I opened my Bible regularly. A peaceful sensation overpowered the overwhelm, and I felt comforted by the Holy Spirit. Verse after verse, something profound clicked: This was the void I'd been missing daily.

What did I learn about my anxiety? First, I was searching for a definite answer and reassurance in life. The world around me said I wasn't enough, but through God's eyes, I knew I was. And that was the turning point.

After that, doubt crept in with every move I made and all the worst-case scenarios. But, although my circumstances became a breeding ground for worry, I now saw the light. I also learned my identity didn't rest on my weaknesses. For once, I didn't view anxiety as my personality trait. And I stopped believing irrational thoughts.

Anxiety wasn't my identity; my identity was and is through Christ. So, not only did I find freedom, but found myself and wholeness. But, perhaps the most comforting truth of all was that I wasn't alone. I was loved, regardless.

Coining anxiety as part of our identity may come naturally, but we can also release those false labels and lies. Whether the title comes from within or is given to us by others, realizing our true worth is possible. And a revival of faith can occur at any age or stage. There can be life-altering breakthroughs through the breakdowns.

Sometimes our worst moments can lead to redirection. When locking arms with our Creator, a fruitful, meaningful path is on the horizon.

Kimberly Kralovic is a writer who encourages Christians in the daily fight while trusting in God’s faithful direction. Her purpose is to ignite hope in the hearts of others. As an advocate for mental health, she resides in NW, Ohio, with her husband. You can connect with Kimberly on her website, www.kimberlykralovic.com, or her Instagram @kimberlykralovic.