Learning to Live Loved After Divorce

By Bethany Peck

Read Part 2 here: Empty Arms and How to Keep Going with Grief — THE WAY BACK TO OURSELVES (thewayback2ourselves.com)

Months after my divorce was finalized, I resettled away from my old life as I looked for a new church home. One of those first Sundays, a friendly couple turned to me inquiring if I was new and where I lived. I stumbled over my words, trying to answer—trying to remember simple things like my name, where I was from, what brought me there.

My brain froze as shame washed over me.

This became a pattern for the first few months—those church greeting moments would send my mind into a spiral, as simple, well-intentioned “get to know you” questions would bring about intense anxiety as I learned to give new answers about myself and my circumstances in life.

Learning to reintroduce myself to the world was a stark example of how divorce had plunged me into a new world and identity that I had to learn how to navigate overnight. Divorce ushers in an identity crisis that is unimaginable to any Christian woman. If you’re in this position, you’ve already likely been traumatized by abuse or infidelity or abandonment and have suffered through sleepless nights to work toward reconciliation. That alone is exhausting, and it takes a heavy toll on the heart, body, and soul.

When divorce becomes the only option because of trauma or betrayal, moving into a new single life can bring about an experience of freedom and safety that is a welcome relief, but it doesn’t erase the pain of the past. It adds another layer of confusion in adapting to life with a new identity as a divorced woman.

There’s no need to whitewash what is incredibly difficult—divorce is painful.

But the amazing thing about the way the Lord works, is his constant plan for redemption. There is hope for a renewed life after a marriage ends. Divorce can feel like it will break you, but God is able to forge the broken pieces into a soul that is beautifully alive and thriving in his perfect love.

While my divorce shattered everything about myself at the time, it has also sent me on an identity journey that has been the most freeing experience for my heart. The sanctification has been a gift. 

At the core of my crisis was a false belief that I was unloved. The experience of betrayal and a broken marriage fuel those feelings as a woman. But there was something deeper at the core of my divorce that shook me—what I now recognize as false views of God that lurked in the corridors of my mind.

I was a good Christian girl, God. Why did this happen to me?

Why do I feel like I am being punished?

Don’t you love me God? Then why would you allow this to happen to me?

Even though I knew the correct theological answers, that God loves me deeply, I struggled to understand his love for me through something so unexplainable, so painful, so hurtful—something that crushed the hopes and plans I had for life—what I knew to be God’s good design for man and woman. So how could God truly love me?

What started as an identity crisis, has cracked open my heart to realize my ultimate source and identity as a beloved daughter of the Lord.

Dear friend, you might be walking through divorce, too. Or perhaps a “death” of another sort. You are not alone. You are seen and loved. Here’s the process that brought me through my transformation and into healing, and I’d like to share it with you:

CRY OUT TO GOD

It can be tempting to numb our hearts to pain or seek busyness and activity to drown out heartache. But God longs for a relationship with us, his children. This is the time for closeness and brutal honesty with the Lord. In a different circumstance, but one that similarly represents an identity crisis and unfulfilled dreams, Hannah lifted up prayers of great anguish and despair to the Lord. So that is what I did; I faced the pain and the confusion, crying out to God to help me understand his love. 

And that is where the identity crisis of divorce (or any “death”) must start: with lament. Pour out your heart to God. Cry out to him. Ask the questions. Invite others into your circle to grieve with you. A scripture I often found myself meditating on brought comfort: “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle” (Psalm 56:8). Reflect on the Lord’s deep love for you in that he lovingly sees and knows every one of your tears of sorrow.

LEAN INTO GOD

I found myself wondering deep questions about the Lord’s will. The trauma of divorce left me questioning if I could trust my decisions moving forward and even if I could trust God. I struggled with discerning God’s voice and how to pray. In times of questioning though, this is when you can lean into the truth of God’s word as an anchor.

Ironically, a passage from Proverbs that I listed under my senior picture of my high school yearbook became a guiding word from the Lord in this season: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6, NIV). This new season of life can feel impossible to understand, and questions will always linger. Yet scripture reminds us that our own comprehension is inadequate. By digging in to trust God, we find a safety that puts our feet back on solid ground so that we can slowly move forward, knowing that he is leading us.

LOOK FOR GOD

As I cried out to God in lament and dug myself into trusting him, my gaze was able to lift. As I worked on releasing my old identity and any shame that came from my new circumstances, there was room to start seeing things differently. I asked God to help me see his ways. As my heart healed and time provided distance, I could look to the past and see the ways that he protected me through the pain. 

I realized that I was learning to notice the big provisions, as well as the small things. Nature, in particular, became my safe space that I could go to and be reminded of God’s loving care. I would often notice a feather on the ground when I needed to be reminded of his protection: “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge” (Psalm 91:4, NIV). The old version of me would have never looked or thought twice about it, but the new woman I was becoming saw the hand of God and reminders of his love and care in the little things like feathers along a woodland trail.

LIVING LOVED AND SECURE

Even while my “understanding” of my past and experience was still limited, I also began to see how the Lord had planted and watered and tended to seeds in my heart all along the way. The most important being the sanctification process he was bringing me through. My deepening relationship with God revealed the beliefs that had fueled a false identity all along—it was never my own goodness or obedience that could earn God’s love (just as my sin can’t take it away) No, at my core, as a child of Christ, I am loved deeply by the Creator of the Universe.

David Benner writes about this in his book Surrender to Love, and he offers words that helped me to visualize this truth: “Regardless of what you have come to believe about God based on your life experience, the truth is that when God thinks of you, love swells in his heart and a smile comes to his face.”

What a beautiful portrait!

I am not an unloved, divorced woman; I am a beloved daughter of the Most High King. This security in God’s love—truly learning that nothing could earn or take away the Lord’s love for me—began to free my soul and give me the confidence to face the future: the quiet everyday moments, the weight of changing life seasons, and even the small talk of church introductions.

THRIVING IN MY NEW IDENTITY

As I grew confident in the source of my love, of my identity, other seeds that God had planted long ago continued to germinate and grow. In the depths of pain, I cleared off the dust of my watercolor brushes to engage in painting as a stress-reliever. I kept going back to my art, as the open spaces in my heart seemed to become fertile ground for creativity and a place for my soul to create.

My love of nature and painting came together in heartfelt pieces that reflected my style and the beauty of creation that brought peace to my soul.

Last year, almost four years after I became a divorced woman, I decided to take my art, born out of my tears—my trust, and my feeble faith—to a local art show. It was somewhat of a last-minute decision and probably better that way. If I had too much time to plan, I might have let the fear, anxiety, and shame of my false identity that still threaten me, get the best of me and back out. But I persevered, offered it up to God, and went forward. In his providence, everything came together for a beautiful September day to exhibit my art.

As the show went on, occasionally, I would get a question: “Are you the artist?” At first, it stumped me a bit—a full-blown identity question! By the second time, I confidently answered with a smile, “Yes, I am the artist. Welcome to my booth, and I hope you enjoy my art.”

As the day came to a close, I had received lots of kind words and made a few sales, too. The encouraging visits of friends were a great affirmation, too. Of course, there were also many people that had just passed me by. But the best realization was the beauty of feeling secure in an identity—I am an artist. 

That identity brought an overflow of gratitude to my heart. My art makes me happy. I am proud of myself. My art brings joy to others. When I’m secure in my identity, I am free and confident to create, live, love, and be the person God is molding me to become.

The art show felt amazing and helped me to realize that I had found myself in a season of flourishing again, with my divorce feeling further behind me than ever. But that experience also helped me to realize the power of identity. 

THE REFINING FIRE OF SUFFERING

The before and after seasons of divorce can be brutally hard. But God uses our suffering for good. When I cry out to God, leaning into him and looking for him in even the smallest of places, God will be faithful to purify and sanctify my heart. The refining fire of heartache can burn away the false belief and identities.

God can bind together the broken pieces into a renewed heart that is secure in his unfailing love, which knows that nothing—not marital status, or trial, or loneliness, or loss—can take away his love.

Friend, “who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us” (Romans 8:35 and 37, NIV).

It takes time, but God is in the business of restoration and can bring about a thriving season of life after divorce or loss. My life has been transformed by his sanctification—most importantly to be able to rest in his love for me, knowing that it was never my goodness that earned God’s love because neither my sin nor my shame can remove God’s love for me. 

Now, when questions come my way to introduce myself, I can brim with joy and confidence in answering, “I am a beloved daughter of Christ.”

BETHANY PECK

Bethany is a writer and photographer living near the beautiful Chesapeake Bay in northeastern Maryland. She loves nature and writes about experiencing God's love through creation at bethanypeck.org and on Instagram at @beautiful_purpose_writing. In her day job, she gets to write stories for local ministries in the Baltimore area. She and her dog Hunter stay active by hiking, kayaking, and enjoying long evening walks.